I have been fairly quiet on my blog recently. Unfortunately my dad was diagnosed with cancer just over a month ago. Luckily it has been caught early but he will need an operation to remove it.
Firstly I would like to just say the NHS is incredible and although they have sometimes let me down (more individuals in the NHS than the NHS as a whole), they have worked quickly and I have nothing but praise for them right now.
It took only a month from a blood test to a biopsy to diagnosis, then only another 2 weeks receiving his operation date and now his operation is just over 3 weeks away (fingers crossed).
However the fact that it has been so quick has not given any of us time to process the diagnosis and it is all very worrying, as can only be expected.
I am in a flare up at the moment, partly due to the stress of it all. I am usually the only one with health issues, which makes it easier for me to cope usually as I have both parents looking out for me. But now, rightly, we are all focused on dad and doing everything possible to help him and distract him from his worries.
I am in agony all the time but put on a brave face for my family. I am also a very emotional, empathic person at the best of times, so now I just want to (and often can’t help it) cry all the time, even if I am not thinking about it all!
We are doing our best to maintain our normality, although none of us are sleeping well and we are on edge all the time.
It is also not helped by the fact I am always a bit on edge since I witnessed a fatal car accident two and a half years ago. Officially I do not have PTSD anymore but my anxiety spikes every time someone mentions cars or health concerns or family bereavement. It has set me off every time these things are mentioned but now I cannot cope with anything on top of what we are already dealing with.
My work are very understanding and genuinely care, ensuring I can take time off around the time of the operation and allowing me to work at my own pace. I am very lucky to be able to be so open to my manager and colleagues about everything.
Yes it is a super scary time, but there is nothing that can be done in the meantime unfortunately. As usual I do my best to smile and pretend everything is okay. Us spoonies seem to have this superpower or curse (however you see it) to hide our true feelings until we are alone.